Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
