I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
