She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
foreskin is a definite game changer
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You were trust falling into bushes
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
