my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
