Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
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