ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
