I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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