We won't sleep together?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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