Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
