Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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