how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
