Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
