When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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