he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
