I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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