stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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