I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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