I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
