this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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