we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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