Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
