3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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