Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
