OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
