Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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