dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I want her autograph on my taint
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
