Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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