I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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