I can't breathe out the right side of my face
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
