I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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