Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
