Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
