Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
