His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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