i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I am one with the molecules
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
