Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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