I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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