he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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