The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
