I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
