You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
