those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
