had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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