If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
