You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
