so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
