last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
