1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
