you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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