My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
