i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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