I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
