Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
