totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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