Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
