I feel great
I just peed on a car
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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